Letters For My Former Loves: The Enthusiast

All I wanna do is to fall in deep

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Spring Break was coming to an end, which is where our story begins. I just got home from vacation, and was scrolling down the dating site. I mostly used the dating site to meet new people on vacation, but I was curious to see who’s out there at home. Your picture caught my attention, and instantly we started messaging each other. You said that you were visiting on your Spring Break, but was heading back home soon. We never met while you were in town, but we stayed in touch and quickly moved to phone calls. Our first phone call lasted between 2-3 hours, with no silence in the way. I didn’t know what to expect, but this whole experience was exciting to me. A few months passed by, and before you knew it, I was planning on a vacation to meet in person; this was certainly a first time for me. My friend came along with me, but he had to work during my visit to you – it was the perfect situation. You picked me up at the airport, and gave me a big hug (it was a strong one, I might add). We had that awkward beginning that slowly melted into me petting your hair and holding you while you were driving. To make sure that my parents were not worried, we took photos with my friend to make it seem like we were on vacation… Thank you for that. When we arrived to your house, I was scared, you were the only person that I knew in the neighbourhood. Being late at night, we slept on your bed, soon having our first kisses in the dark. The whole week was a whirlwind of surprises, meeting your mother, your family, your friends, and even your brother – all such wonderful people. You checked off everything I wanted to see, and gave me an experience that I will never forget. One of my favourite memories would definitely be the cooking challenge, comparing meals from my home to yours – we preferred each other’s meal compared our own. When the vacation period was over, you drove me to the airport, and parted our ways… but the story continues.

Now we would have seen each other three months after our first encounter, and that visit would have lasted for less than a day. I went on a road trip with my family to visit my sister, with intentions of visiting you. Needless to say, I missed the train ride in the morning, shortening my visit to you to a total of 20 hours. The train ride took about three hours, but seeing you for that short amount of time was worth the journey. I met your roommates, as well as some familiar faces from summer. You showed me your favourite places to eat, all delicious to eat, of course. There was an interruption from a rally down the streets, but every minute with you was a pleasure. You were enthusiastic, showing me off to your friends and hanging out with them in the late night. I’m not sure how we managed to share a bed, but it was great to be in your embrace (I produced a lot of heat, so I’m not sure how you managed to stay by me so long). After the second encounter, we were not certain when the next visit would come. But we made the effort to message each other throughout the day, and have phone talks at night. Usually, we would not have much to say, but you always wanted me to sleep early; I wanted to be with you, even if the phone calls were in silence. Before the next visit, I sent you a package for Valentine’s Day, filled with goodies and a personal letter – I enjoyed writing letters to you, letting you know how I felt. Just before our one-year anniversary, you came to visit me during your Spring Break, where now I would show you around my neighbourhood. You didn’t have much of an agenda compared to me when I visited you, but I wanted to give you everything during this visit. Although you were more interested staying home and relaxing, I showed you places that might have interested you. There were times when we would not talk, especially when we walked through the mud, and your shoes got all dirty – after a clean-up, you were in a much better mood. And you tolerated all of the arguments that I started, ones that came out of nowhere – that was very kind of you. When I drove you to the airport, that was the first time that we would have kissed in public. The kiss was simple and sweet, but to me it was a big move into our relationship. I didn’t care how long I waited until the next time I saw you, I knew that you were mine.

Running through past memories, everything seemed so good – yet, there were times where things would become difficult. Some of our conversations would turn into arguments, some so bad that they resulted to no contact for a few days. It always seemed that you wanted to win the argument, and then I would just stop talking – I just wanted to get your opinion, not research that states the fact. Those days were hard, I worried and wondered what was going through your head, having those thoughts in the back of my head. The last time I visited you, an unexpected visit from your family came by, which you balanced well – I just wish I got to spend time with you and them as well. When I was alone, I felt lonely, like I’m some secret that had to be kept from your loved ones. You did make it up to me, but I was hurt when you laughed off when I shared you my feelings… in hindsight, I was making a big deal out of nothing. And there were times when we would take breaks from each other, to clear our heads and figure out if we were meant for each other. During our break, I reflected on the things that I adored about you, but I also let you see other people… I didn’t want you waiting for me to figure things out. There were so many thoughts in my head that by the time I figured it out, you were feeling otherwise. Somehow, we would always find a way back to each other. Things were building up again, we had better communication, as well as more things to talk about. You even visited me before your semester began. We had a wonderful time for those few days, exploring the town and even playing board games at home. You met my cousins, who enjoyed getting to know you – and you even visited my grandmother, much to my mother’s dismay. As time passed by, I occupied myself with new activities, reacquainting with old friends and making new ones along the way. A new feeling came inside of me, but it wasn’t from you… I was falling for someone else. I had to make that phone call, and tell you the truth; that was a very long day. Everything you said before, how you dreamt about me and the plans you saw us together for the future, I was seeing that with someone else. I couldn’t be with you, knowing that my feelings were elsewhere. I’m sorry.

Spring Break, you and your friends came to town, and you wanted to talk to me, person to person. Four months passed since we last spoke, but I agreed to talk to you to clear some things. I told you how I felt, and how I’m feeling for this new person – you were not accepting my response. You said how you pictured us together, long term… but I didn’t see that with you. You love your home, and want to go back after your studies. Much that you were willing to move for me, I wouldn’t have done the same. I can’t picture myself in this place that you call home – I fear that I would feel stuck, that I would feel lonely again, to feel that way again. Then I started admitting the doubts I had about our relationship, how I felt that I was using you at times, and how I have these dreams that don’t align with yours. When we parted ways, it didn’t end on good terms. You didn’t get the answer you wanted, and I felt that my heart had sunk to its bottom. The card you gave me was beautiful, declaring everything I wanted to hear before… We were never on the same line, one had more love to give to the other at different times. I never said those words out loud, and when I was ready to say it, you didn’t want to hear those words. Picturing our future together was a lovely idea, including our disagreements on the size of our family. You are still studying, pursuing a career in health, showing how far you’ve come. We may no longer talk, but I enjoy seeing your updates from time to time; you seem happy. I want you to have more than what we had, to find someone who is crazy about you and looks forward to building a future with you. You taught me so much about a relationship, all the effort and hard work it takes to be together, how even distance can’t keep two people from being together. You deserve the best, and I know it’s going to come your way. Thank you for all of the experiences we’ve been through, I wouldn’t have done any of these crazy adventures without you. Now, my enthusiastic one, let’s find even crazier ones we can’t get enough to spend the rest of our lives.

Sincerely,

The Rush

#lfmfl